Tourists.

Six months ago I was one of them. Sporting my A&F fur coat and skinny dark denim jeans and slung Coach handbag with pride, I lead the pack of my brothers, cousins, mom, step-dad, aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa (basically a huge cluster of family members) off our party bus and into Times Square, which I'll embarrassingly admit that I called Time Square until I realized that sounded funny and Googled it super quickly to realize my mistake. Sure enough I did damage control in the form of instantly editing all the captions on my mobile FB uploads. Yeaaah.... moving on.

Gawking at the ga-jillion plasma screens overhead, we dilly-dallied our way in rows 4-maybe-5-across up to the red stairs to take a group photo. My cousin and I sang Empire State of Mind as we made our way there (ahem, OK so maybe that part hasn't changed a whole lot. See: My singing talent).

After probably pissing off any stray Manhattanites who for some reason needed to be in Times Square at 11 p.m. on a Saturday, we made our way back to the party bus and traveled back through Greenwich (I knew it wasn't pronounced Green-witch thanks to A&F's failure brand Ruehl) and by Houston (OK, I said it like the city in Texas, not HOW-ston... dumb tourist).

So yeah, last January was something a little along these lines as LIFE Magazine so kindly points out for us naive of NY: http://www.life.com/image/102281799/in-gallery/45631/how-new-yorkers-can-spot-a-tourist

Yup. I couldn't describe it better myself. The bright-lights-blinded kid who hopped off that bus had no idea just how badly she stuck out (Actually... I'm lying, I mean I was walking in a pack with my rather really embarrassing family, but you know what I mean).

Fast forward. I've lived in NYC almost 3 months now, and let me tell you, I now see the screaming "I'M A TOURIST!" signs I portrayed back in January. What a difference moving here makes. Let me divulge:

Telltale touristy traps I'm guilty of:

• Whipping out the subway map. Well actually, I don't believe in maps, rather I believe in getting lost and figuring out my way -- Yes, in true New Yorker fashion! -- but I'll let my friends pull out their maps when my phone's Google map app (totally less conspicuous) isn't working.

• I'm guilty of sometimes calling the 1,2,3 the red line. Or the 4,5,6 the green. Or the ACE the blue. It's just easier. In my defense I've never been to Boston. And in STL we have ONE line: the Metrolink, which we tend to stay away from at all costs. It's just easier and I've never heard of this "rule" until now. But seeing as I will do anything to escape my Midwestern label (aside from losing my Cardinals and Anheuser-Busch pride) I guess I'll be sure to avoid calling 'em colors.

• I got stuck in a rotating turnstile chamber thing (or whatever the hell they're called) the first time I tried to push through. I conceited to being a new New Yorker and asked the MTA guy to let me through the emergency door. I never made that mistake again. As far as my swiping skills... well, they're getting better, but I swear I just always get jinxed cards. Really!

• I ordered a Cosmo. So sue me. I never had one before, and I like Carrie Bradshaw. There. I said it. If that makes me a tourist, so be it. But, honestly, I really would rather a beer.

Tourists traits I trash on and thus reasons why I belong here:

• I've never been much of a celeb stalker, and frankly after 3 months of interning at a magazine, I've come to realize celebrities are just like you & me, minus the privacy. It's kind of cool knowing that you aren't one of those psycho fans who creepily snap shots of stars strolling on the streets. You catch a glimpse, you smile and you text your bestie from back home. Then they text back how much they envy your life. In reality, you've actually got it better than the celebs. Fancy that.

• I've always known that Times Square was in Midtown. I think my east coast relatives were at least kind enough to explain that much to me at some point.

• I still haven't been to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and many museums because of the sole fact that they are touristy and I'd way rather save money and do what "the locals" do.

• I've never liked slow walkers. I've been known to power drive the dawdlers walking along Maryland Ave. out of my way when I'm occassionally usually late to class. And big groups of dawdlers. Oh.My.God.Get.Out.Of.My.Way. Freshmen? Ugh. Tour groups? Ugh. Ugh. Times that by thousands of teetering tourists... Ugh. Ugh. UGH! New Yorkers run (literally!) on little patience, and it seems if I hadn't before, I certainly now have that attitude down pat.

• "Real New York-Style" food. I've done the famous stuff. The John's Pizzeria. The Ray's Famous slices. The Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs. The Little Italy dives. The Junior's cheesecake. The Magnolia cupcakes. What I've learned most? Sure, John's is the bomb. Nathan's famous is, well, famous. Magnolia's got great icing. Little Italy is sure cool. Junior's chocolate cheesecake is near orgasmic.
  
  But: Hole-in-the-wall pizza is cheaper and (sometimes) better, and if the place has no air conditioning it's probably got some of the best damn "Real New York" slices around. And: I don't care if it's not sanitary, street vendor hot dogs are always legit, and also like $2 cheaper. That adds up. And: For me, pasta is pasta. Little Italy is cool by all means, but really you just go there for the atmosphere. No one place really stands out, and I've had comparable dishes at the Olive Garden on Mid Rivers Mall Drive. And: No real New Yorker actually eats cheesecake. Are you kidding? Do you know the caloric intake of one of those slices? It's all about Pinkberry (#64 for sure. Check!) "It's totes the best hun-cal-fro-yo." (Tell me you know the video this alludes to please... if not, be ready to LOL at this YouTube vid Cosmo recently posted.) And: If real New Yorkers want a cupcake, chances are they're just popping into their local neighborhood bakery, not trekking to Greenwich or Midtown for one.
  
  That's the real deal when it comes to New York food.

• I've been to all 5 boroughs. (Ahem, #56. Check!) Queens was awesome. The Bronx was alright, then again it was daytime. Staten Island's South Beach was tolerable. Brooklyn will probably be my home at some point. Manhattan will always be my true love.

It's a shame really, because tourists only see the shiny exterior of what New York has to offer. They stay in their fancy hotels and above ground in cabs and never get to experience the true gems that really make New York, well, the best city in the world. Same goes for those who've been born and raised in the posh luxury apartments, who've shopped 5th Avenue like it was the local Wal-Mart all their lives.

Call me the weirdest person ever, but I love the little things like a humid day on the subway platform and my small one bed, one bath studio that houses me and my 3 roommates. I feel like these experiences are the staple of NYC. It's a city you have to work your way up in. And only those who make it from the ground up (16 floors up to be exact...) and can survive a less-than-desirable start in the city, can honestly one day value whatever is it that the city bequeaths, whether it be a shiny new pair of Manolos or strong sense of self and accomplishment. What do I hope it bequeaths to me?

Is it selfish to hope for both?

At least there's two things I know: At least I know that TIMES has an "S" on the end and yes, these bright lights really do inspire you. Tourist or not.

A Fun & Fearless Fourth

I'd like to note that today is the 14th. This is sad news. Why? Because I leave in exactly one month (Cue shutter here). I know, right? The thought of leaving terrifies me more than the thought of my 17 year-old brother driving my car around right now... Well, I guess that's one reason to be happy to head back to the Midwest.

But that's just a side note. No need to be sappy yet because Fun & Fearless doesn't worry about the future (that much) ... F&F girls live in and for the present. And presently, life is FABOOSH. (Don't know the term? Then you seriously need to read some Perez.)

4th of July. For me, 4th of July is when summer feels like it has truly set in. Summer wakes up for the Fourth. Hot dogs. BBQ. Fireworks. Friends. Bikini tops. Beaches. Water guns. American Flags. Red, white & blue. Outdoor air. Float trips. Ice cold beer. Popsicles. Daisy Dukes. Jorts. Melting ice cream. Warm beads of sweat. Tingling goosebumps from walking back inside to A/C. Pride. Freedom.

Even the busiest of New Yorkers surrender to the celebration. They disconnect from their tellies and desktop screens, pack up their bags and leave worries behind for a frenzy-filled holiday in the Hamptons. The shoddiest of beaches fill up with the aroma of fried bologna and slimy sunscreen as teenie bikini clad teenagers and Family Guy-esque households invade the bays to catch some rays.

4th of July in New York is more than fun. While it may not be floating down the Meramec River in Wal-Mart swim wear shouting at your buddy to Natapult a frosty Natural Ice your way -- AKA the annual Independence Day river-rafting/camping trip my besties have donned Freedom Fest -- it's celebrated in true NYC fashion. Bigger and better than the rest of the (er, I was going to say world, but that's not really fitting) country.

But first for you New Yorkers who have expressed your curiosity for float trips, here's last year's example of Missouri's finest 4th festivity:

Yes, we sleep in tents. Yes, it rained last year. Yes, I woke up in a puddle. Yes, it was completely AWESOME.

It's fun. I promise.

Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest/#23 Visit Coney Island.

What's more American than a hot dog? Answer: 15 men (and 1 woman!) force-feeding themselves as many dawgs as humanly possible in ten minutes. Yup, that's pretty American all right. Let me give you a tid bit of BG history:

• Origin: July 4, 1916 -- The year Nathan's Famous opens on Surf Avenue in Coney Island.
• Occurrence: Every 4th of July except in 1941 as a WWII protest and 1971 as a civil unrest protest. Did I not tell you? Americans love our hot dogs. Our beloved FOJ food choice clearly holds more regard than we all thought.
• Coverage: ESPN reserved full coverage rights of the contest in 2004. It's been broadcasted live annually since. And yes, just like the MLB there's the MLE -- Major League Eating.
• Record: 68 hot dogs and buns. Currently held by 4-time running champion Joey Chestnut. I can't even be snarky here. That's just mind-blowing.
• Competition: The rivalry between Chestnut and previous title holder Takeru Kobayashi (you know the amazing eater from Japan) is fierce. So fierce in fact that Kobayashi was arrested this year for attempting to storm the stage after Chestnut's victory.
• Sponsors: None really matter other than Pepto Bismol. I must say, that's some great corporate sponsorship on their part. Some athletes get shin splints, these guys get indigestion. I get it. And so did they. Bravo Pepto! Smart marketing.

Here's what the scene looked like on Surf Ave:

Luna Park

When us Midwesterners hear "Coney Island" we automatically think of Luna Park. Movies such as Uptown Girls (remember the tea cups!) have shaped our opinions. Don't blame us; blame the media. Well my MO'ers... they are not one in the same. Coney Island is the whole she-bang, and Luna is just the amusement park.

The Park is a little different than the Six Flags/ Disney World get ups I've attended in the past. It's really small. Like size wise, it's comparable to the local St. Elizabeth carnival back home in the Chuck (OK, maybe just a smidge larger). And also like a carnival, there's no admission fee, every ride is paid for separately. So we threw back a few bucks on the some of the oldest and most awesome carnival rides ever -- The Cyclone and The Wonder Wheel.

A few fun facts about the Wonder Wheel:

• Opened: Memorial Day in 1920.
• Weight/Height: 400,000 lbs./150 feet tall (the tallest wheel at the time it was built).
• Capacity: 144 people.
• Features: 16 swinging cars & 8 stationary cars.
• Interesting fact: Declared an official NYC landmark in 1989.

Of course we rode in the swinging car and... it was a little bit scary. Not going to lie. The Cyclone? Also scary. It had such tiny seats and was so jankety I thought we would fly the tracks at any moment. But no worries, I kept my hands in the air like a true thrill seeker and managed not to lose my "sunglasses or weave" like an overhead caution sign warned us to secure.

Macy's 4th of July Firework Show:

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. This 26-minute show featured more than 40,000 fireworks over the Hudson River. Crowded in an great dock spot on a pier at 13th Street, we gathered a pack of blankets, American flags and the cutest red, white and blue outfits we could find. And in the spirit of America, we put our patriotism on parade and our awful singing to the airwaves (ahem, #73 Bust out a chorus of 4th of July's best patriotic songs).

It was a Fun & Fearless 4th to never forget.

Top of the Rock

My little (OK not so little) cousin graduated from high school this summer, so all (well, most) of the fam was in town. As you've seen in some previous posts, I got to knock off a bunch of the touristy attractions on my F&F bucket list. My aunt (who lives right next door in Jersey) is awesome about making sure she helps me whittle a few down every time she makes a trip into the city.

So aside from seeing Promises, Promises, eating some AH-MAZING pizza at John's Pizzeria, hanging out in Times Square with the Naked Cowgirl and feeding our sweet teeth at M&M's World...


... we also went to the Top of the Rock!

For those of you unfamiliar, the term means traveling up to the roof of Rockefeller Center, another one of NYC's most well-known skyscrapers. Rockefeller Center is home to NBC studios, Radio City Music Hall and Rockefeller Plaza where the enormous Christmas Tree stands every winter. It's def an awesome touristy area for all of the above.

Let's play Tori Tour-guide. You're visiting NYC and you ruh-eally want to go to the top of a skyscraper. Well, really there's only two to choose from. So which do you pick? The Empire State Building or Rockefeller Center?

Is flashy and recognizable important to you? If yes, go to the Empire State Building. Name-wise, there's really nothing that compares to it. NYC will always be known for ESB and tourists will always flock to ESB. That and it's a damn cool thing to say you've stood on top of. If no, Rockefeller Center won't let you down. It's still pretty dang flashy, just doesn't have the Facetime that ESB has been privy to all these years. (Thanks a lot King Kong.)


Are you in it for the view? If yes, the best view hands down belongs to Rockefeller Center. Not only can you actually look over and see a killer view of ESB and the Chrysler Building, you also have a clear shot view of Central Park. It's farther north than its catchy counterpart, so there's less metal and steel obstructing your view of greenery grandeur. I also happen to think you can see Times Square more easily, but that could be debated. If no, ESB still has a pretty bomb view, you just can't see uptown as well.

Do you mind long lines? If yes, stay away from ESB. The wait takes forever. First you wait outside. Then you wait to buy your ticket. Then you wait to get into an elevator. Then you are taken to the 80th floor to sit and wait for another elevator that takes you up six more stories (if you're lucky and healthy, sometimes they'll let you walk the stairs up. But I warn you, it's a challenge). Then, finally you are at the Observation Deck. 2 hours later. If you pay more, you can go up even higher. To floor 102 to be exact. (Hope you're not afraid of heights, but then why would you be asking Tori Tour-guide if you were...) If no, 30 Rock's line is much, much shorter. You buy your ticket in hardly a line at all. Go up the elevator to the 66th floor. Hop an escalator to the viewing decks on the 67th, 69th or 70th floors. Voila! I think we waited more for my grandmother to arrive than we did actually walking through all the lines.

See: Alexa (my 13-year-old cousin) lounging.

Instead of: Morgan and I surrounded by people who don't understand the concept of personal space.

Are you on a budget? Doesn't matter your answer here. This is a toss up. For an adult ticket, both cost around $20, which isn't too bad in terms of New York tourist attractions. Now, here's the kicker. If you want to get through ESB's lines faster, you can buy an express pass. And if you want to go higher than 86 floors, you can pay $15 more to go to the 102nd floor. Is it worth it? Well, that takes us back to the question of "Are you on a budget?"

What does Tori Tour-guide recommend most? If name dropping is important to you, go with ESB. Nothing else will satisfy your thirst for a "brand name building." But if you're looking for what the typical tourist wants: awesome city views + something that won't break the bank, then opt for 30 Rock. It'll rock your world. Pun intended.

Number 39

39) Sing Empire State of Mind on top of the Empire State Building.

I still can't believe I did this ... AND I can't believe I'm putting this on here! I seriously don't think I've ever been more nervous in my entire life. OK, that's maybe not true, but I was still QUITE nervous. I almost forgot the words!

But anyway... enjoy. Hope you like my, er, singing... The tourists thought it was funny, I think. Or weird. Probs the latter.



Oh and I forgot to mention: It was 4th of July weekend. Two hour wait.

The. Observation. Deck. Was. Packed.